Dear Low self esteem ,

I remember in the 5th grade thinking I wasn’t good enough , smart enough , pretty enough . I remember how I used to look down on my self so much that it affected the way I think . You really took a toll on me . You were like a tick . Stuck to me, feeding on me , my thoughts. I remember the days I didn’t want to play “Ampe “ with the girls because I didn’t like how my body moved when I jumped. mind you, I was growing into adolescence and my body was supposed to experience those changes, yet you made me feel terrible about my body, you kept me hidden from the freedom and joy I should have felt. You stole that from me!

Oh Low self esteem , you have followed me throughout the years . Even in the 8th grade when I was asked to come to the board to solve a math question, I knew the answer all along but you kept sitting on my shoulder whispering into my ear that I didn’t know it and then it manifested that I didn’t know it . The silence in the class , all eyes on me , the teacher and students patiently waiting for me to solve the question. My face still facing the board , I turned back , sweating and saw the looks of everyone in the class , some giggling and some looked utterly confused. I was asked to go back to my seat as some laughed at my incompetence. I sat through the whole class in silence, wondering what was wrong with me . You were wrong with me! You stole my confidence, my ability to shine when I could! Oh Low self esteem, you did me dirty that day .

Fast forward to university, I was so excited to be away from my family , a new place , new opportunities, new friends, I was so excited for what the next 4 years were going to be like . I told myself it was a fresh start . “Watch out world I’m grown now “

First year of uni went great , made some great friends that became family , made some mistakes yet I wasn’t scared. I started to believe in myself, felt confident and beautiful again, free to live. little did I know it was to be short lived ?

In my 3rd year of university I was asked to go for the position of the vice president of the Marketing students association. Mind you I was just a quiet person on campus and I had no idea anyone had noticed me . I remember that day the forms were purchased for me , I stared at it for a while and then called my mum .Me ? Joy ? A whole vice president of an association in my university? 5th grade Joy wouldn’t believe this if I told her .

Guess what? I went for the position and I got it . I was finally able to break up with you . Get rid of you and be free . So I thought

I was asked to host a program with the Dean and Heads of department in attendance. The day came , clothes on my bed , neatly ironed , I stared at it wondering if I’m ready for this . I always liked being behind the scenes. It was just my nature.

I walked into the hall , first of I said a little prayer , “God please don’t let me mess up “

Held the mic and for a moment I felt my heart beating so hard it felt like it’ll explode. That was one of the best days of my life. I look back

Hey , guess what ? We had the best 4 years of our lives . Graduated top of my class . Made some amazing memories, hosted quite a few more events. I could finally feel myself being free from you . Was it really over between us ? After all these years , you kinda grew on me , I had gotten used to living with you

It was my graduation day , looked so beautiful in my dress , I regretted all the times I told myself I wasn’t pretty enough because man,  I’m so damn fine ! Gathered in the living room to take pictures with family and rushed to the school. The ceremony had started and It had now dawned on me that I was actually graduating. I remember my name being called , walking gracefully across the stage , cheers and applause coming from every direction of the room. I made it , it took a long time but I made it . All the years of thinking I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough ,just not enough . I had finally parted ways with you . It was over . You’ve been a torn in my flesh , a tick in my skin , a parasite eating my self confidence and happiness. It was a bittersweet moment.

I promised myself never again .

Never again