My Dearest Optimism,

I have loved you for as long as I can remember. You’re the armor I wear against uncertainty. You who have painted my world in colors so bright, so hopeful. You who have held my hand through every plan, every dream, whispering, “It will all work out.” How could I ever resent you?

Oh, how I have clung to your promises, believing that if I just stayed patient, if I just hoped hard enough, life would reward me.

But you have lied to me, haven’t you?

You convince me that if I just plan better, work harder, manage every detail, I will never have to experience failure. You convince me to wait, always wait, because something better was coming.

But the waiting never ends.

You told me that people would always keep their word, that love would always be enough, that time would always be kind.

But it was all a lie.

I have stood in the ruins of plans you swore would unfold perfectly. In fact, you did that again to me just few weeks ago.

But what happened then?

I failed again despite my best efforts. The life I thought I was holding for a moment, slip through my fingers again. I was devastated. I felt numb for weeks. I didn’t know which direction to go anymore.

As if that’s not enough, you’ve made me held onto people who had long let go of me. I have smiled through heartbreak, telling myself, “Maybe next time. Or maybe they’ll be back.” But next time never came the way I wanted.

And yet… lately, I’ve been wondering… how do I let go of you despite all this? How do I stop believing that things will get better? Because if I don’t believe, then what? Do I let fear take your place? Do I let cynicism build walls where you once planted gardens?

To be honest, I don’t know how to leave you, but I can’t let you keep breaking me. Maybe it’s time for us to change, my beloved. I’m not saying I’m not going to dream anymore. Maybe it’s time for me to dream with my eyes open.

Yours, still hoping, but finally learning,

Me (Mary Linus).