Date: 10th March 2025

Address: Christ the King Catholic Church, 122 Gado Nasko Rd, Abuja 901101, Federal Capital Territory, Nigeria.

To you; the one who stares back at me on the other side of the mirror,

How does one begin a confession? Where does one start?

Perhaps—I should open with a plea of forgiveness.

Yes.

Forgive… me, I begin with a stutter, for I have sinned.

I have crossed oceans, just to find the desert I ran away from waiting for me. I find no release from my sufferings and find myself back in the abyss I was birthed from. Once again. I rise from nothing, naked and bare. Can I escape this prison for just a little while? Then, I return.

The mirror has been placed in front of me and I’m confronted with a reflection that reminds me of you. I judged you, just as you did, but I failed to accept it, until now. I claimed in tears that you failed me but most of all, I failed you. I chose not to listen, not to love myself enough to forgive the person you were. I wanted to be torn open by force, instead of letting the seasons change and for my old skin to shed away. If only I’d lived more, seen more, before I made such a harsh judgement. If I had just listened to you more, the reasons why you did the things you did, why you cried the way you did, what you truly longed for. If only I stood up for you more, then perhaps, I wouldn’t be feeling this lost every time I dared to live. Does one have a right to feel regret? But I do. I do, and I must lay them bare in front you.

Ah… I’m such a coward. Why do I always run? Even during a holy practice I could never still be honest with myself. What is the point of forgiveness when I still shy away from my own Sol Niger? You raised your hands to me, so we could finally, finally break free. You yelled and sobbed on your knees that I, for once, choose us—that I choose a different ending than the one I left us in. I looked away from you. I couldn’t stand to even look at you, I didn’t want… you. I wanted someone else, someone who wasn’t weak, always defeated. Someone who wanted more from themselves and what they wanted in life. You weren’t that. You didn’t want to be around yourself either, so you tried everything you could to fill the abyss you were created from. But, it is devoid of time and so it can never be filled. With all of my resentment, I mourned you and shed tears in your honor. I wiped your tears with a veil and laid you to rest white and pure.

My grief precedes me and I find myself longing to fill the gaping emptiness so I can forget the chances I had to save you. This is the sin I chose to burden myself with. But, like a coward, I chose to redeem myself by one last act. I walked into the holy temple, bent on my bare knees and lowered my head, ashamed and destitute. I confessed it all, surrendered it all. I asked for mercy, prayed for grace. I let the emptiness sing away in songs and night sonnets.

Penance arrives, and I find myself yearning for you, just as I always have. For I have loved you the most, of all.

It is now complete.

I stand, golden bells rejoicing with a chant as I make my exit;

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord, hosanna in the highest!”