CONFESSIONS OF A TINY MAMA

First Trimester

I'm tired of being pregnant. It's been 8 weeks since I found out I'm carrying my baby and I'm wondering if someone can take him back.

I sleep all the time. When I'm awake, it's because I need to rush to the bathroom and throw up. My stomach won't hold anything down unless it's plain toast or a wholewheat cereal called Weetabix.

I am craving sugarcane. The sweet juice gives me such relief from nausea. Every evening, I gather up all my strength to take a 5 minute walk to the nearest shop and get a pack or two of sugarcane.

Even then, I still throw up, just not as immediately as when I eat everything else. I absolutely loathe the taste of my saliva and when I try to swallow, I end up throwing up. So now, I have resorted to spitting. The sight of this makes me throw up as well, so I have to spit with my eyes closed. I hope I don't miss.

I've lost so much weight. Not to brag but before all this, I was a solid 46 kgs and now I've cut down to a worrying 44 kgs. Does my body know we need to be doing everything we can to keep this baby alive?

I haven't been able to go to work for weeks. I don't want to talk on the phone. It's just such a tedious experience. I have not responded to messages for weeks. Watching TV is exhausting. I don't want any visitors. I spend my days on the living room couch so that when I go to bed at night, the sheets smell less like me. You won't believe it, but the smell of me also makes me throw up.

I have become allergic to cold showers. The other day I wanted to take a quick bath and when I turned the shower on, I just couldn't let the cold water touch my skin.

The doctor said the morning sickness will disappear after the first trimester. He also reluctantly assured me that so will the spitting. I'm seriously counting down the days to this.

I worry that I'm not eating enough to keep this baby growing. I worry that I will sleep and just not wake up. I worry that this will be my life for the next 8 months.

SECOND TRIMESTER

It feels like spring. Like a new day. My body has finally woken up and made peace with the fact that we are pregnant. We are ready to do what it takes to keep this baby alive. I'm bubbly, happy and have decided that the theme for this pregnancy is FUN AND FITTING. I have ditched the staple t-shirt and sweatpants from the first trimester for short fitting outfits that might show my bump. My tummy however is still flat. Only I can see the slight bump. Everyone else thinks I'm still the same old me.

I am enjoying and completing my meals. All cravings are being devoured with great enthusiasm. Popcorn and jackfruit are my daily staples. I dream about Fanta but only allow myself one bottle a month.

I can stand a two minute conversation on the phone even though I still don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I have resumed work, even though it's now fully remote. I am still spitting, lol. Maybe it will finally stop in the third trimester. I have gained some weight. I'm now 48 kgs heavier. My doctor is happy.

I detest taking pills. They make me gag and throw up. I have to trick myself into taking the folic acid pill. I need to redo the antimalarial dose. I threw it all up in seconds. No amount of trickery was successful. I still enjoy my naps and take them as often as I can.

I have noticed a bit of a change in my personality too. I feel a bit more very strong willed. Let me explain. I visited this hospital for my first antenatal appointment and refused to go back there because it smelt funny. I have been visiting hospitals since then, looking for the one with the right smell. I am pleased to inform you that I finally found that hospital, and as a bonus, it has the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in. I look forward to my antenatal appointments because I will get to sit in my favourite chairs. PS. I do not like the chairs at home.

There's also this store I buy shoes from. I paid for some shoes just as my first trimester started but never had the chance to pick them up. I have been looking forward to adding them to my Fun and Fitting collection and when I went to the store, they told me the shoes had been sold. As I waited for my money to be refunded, I swore I'd neve go to that store again.

I also have been cutting off anyone with negative opinions about my pregnancy. Never mind that only a handful of people know about this. I really feel it's a “need to know” kind of situation. I refuse to let their words change my mood. I am having a wonderful pregnancy and I get to choose how.

I am still barely showing. I was really looking forward to getting special treatment when I go places but since no one can see my bump, that's not happening.

I am committed to my pregnancy app, Baby Center. I have watched antenatal videos on YouTube because I don't want to go for mine in person. I am also currently reading a very vividly detailed book on pregnancy and giving birth. It's called Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond and is written by a midwife.

I can no longer watch any movie scenes with blood so have been forced to abandon watching action movies. I have the Pink Panther movie, a Kate Winslet movie called, The Dressmaker, Sister Act 2 and Beyonce's Coachella performance on repeat.

THIRD TRIMESTER

It's a week to my due date and man, this baby is heavy. Took him long enough to finally show. I'm eating really well. The heartburn wakes me up at night. I've resorted to eating frozen watermelon and chewing ice in the wee hours of the night to help with this. I can barely sleep. It's uncomfortable but I've also been insomniac since this trimester started. The baby kicks have me smiling all the time and keep me company when I'm sleepless in the night.

Otherwise, my Fun and Fitting theme is an absolute success now that my bump fills up my clothes. I'm 55 kgs now. Can you believe it? I am finally enjoying the special treatment too.

I don't like how chubby my face has gotten but I tell myself, it's for the greater good.

I am still spitting. After trying various solutions like ginger, tumeric and some other random things I can't recall, I found this mint flavoured sweet that I can put in the side of my mouth to significantly reduce the amount of saliva in my mouth and allow me to swallow. It's such a relief when I need to go out into the world.

My feet swell a lot and I have to put them up when I sit. I'm happy.

My suitcase is packed and ready to go. I have an Uber driver's number on speedial. She lives close by. I say my positive affirmations everyday and check the Baby Center app everyday still. I have practised how to use the contractions timer and keep reminding myself that if the contractions get 10 minutes apart, I must head to the hospital.

PS. My doctor says I can have a normal birth. He predicts that it will be a very ordinary and uneventful experience. But that's where he's wrong. I'm going to meet my baby for the first time. Nothing in the world could ever make that uneventful.

That vaginal check was something else? I cried a bit ot and asked if I could have a C section instead. Why is it so painful?

Anyway, I'm not scared of giving birth. Let's do this!

FOURTH TRIMESTER

I met my baby. He's more wonderful than I ever imagined. He came after 4 hours in labour. I got to the hospital and had dilated to 5cm. I cried when the nurse told me this.She was really sweet and hugged me till I stopped crying. I thought I was just going in for a brief check. I had been feeling a bit of contractions for days. I didn't know these were the contractions but kept timing them with the contractions app. They were hours apart at first but kept getting closer. My doctor then said I could come in just to do a check to put me at ease. It's a good thing I carried my suitcase, just in case. It's a good thing I'm those people who like to over prepare.

The hospital was nice. We watched TV and were waited on. The food was good. Why do the nurses walk in just when you've started sleeping? I barely slept. The baby latched well. I was scared he wouldn’t. The milk is flowing even though this nurse nurse keeps saying I need to try formula. I've already told her off. Why is her opinion different from the doctors?

I spent the first two weeks at a friend's home. She insisted I spend a few days at her home. I thoroughly enjoyed being pampered. All I had to do was eat and feed my baby.

Everything changed when I got back home. It's just the baby and me. I am tired. I still can't sleep. There's a tonne of housework I have not done and haven’t the time or patience to. The baby is really calm and that's so nice. I've figured out that if I drink enough after breastfeeding, I can keep hydrated and keep the milk coming. Otherwise, I barely remember to tend to myself. I have had to set alarms to remind me to take a shower and eat. The t-shirt and sweatpants have reclaimed their rightful position as my staple outfit.

Honestly it's a mix of emotions. I'm still adjusting to not being pregnant anymore. To learning to take care of my baby. I'm still wrapping my head around what just happened. It all went by so fast. I had to time to ease into this new life. I feel like I needed a bit more orientation but also, that nothing could have really prepared me.

In the earlier days, my only focus was making sure I didn't accidentally sleep off and suffocate my baby, making sure he was fed, changed and happy. Now, I'm beginning to focus more on connecting with him, enjoying the feeds, and the feel of his hands on my face.

Yesterday, I slept off while feeding and woke up with a start. Guess who's big wide eyes were staring deeply at me when I opened my eyes?

Motherhood is beautiful. It's a wreck. It's a mix of emotions. Motherhood is wonderful.