Dear Isabelle,

I’m sure you when I was 1 to right now would've thought I was the coolest girl alive. I definitely wouldn’t have the confidence I had right now, not as before. Yeah, there were things that changed. My romance book that I’ve written for myself didn’t come true. My pride and joy were making myself happy; it turns out we have to make other people happy too. I’m writing this letter not to discourage you, but just a heads-up, I may not be the coolest girl alive anymore.

I’m sure you’d be grateful not to live my life right now when I tell you that I’m now the living definition of anxiety. I have a monster following me behind my back, and I can’t chase it away. You’d be curious to know that it was my own. I’ve had more vivid dreams recently; have I lived this life before?

I’ll tell you one thing to not take for granted—tell your mom I love her. She hasn’t heard that enough. If I could erase her memory of the things I said to her, I would. But if she even thought about doing the same, I would be more grateful. 

Guess who wanted a tall, fluffy-haired guy with big beards and an amazing personality? I’ve come to realize that we’re scared of men now, apparently. How ironic that we can’t even walk safely at night. Little you would’ve thought you could fight them off, when in reality, they’d always be stronger wouldn’t they.

You must not be surprised; my dreams since I was 6 are still alive. I couldn’t be more proud of myself. One thing that ruins me is having someone do better at the only thing you’re good at. And that made me fail multiple times. My fear of failure turned myself to not try anymore. 

My dream? To become successful, have a nice boyfriend, maybe all at once. You knew it was never easy. But how was it this hard when I first mentioned it. Back then, when we used to get praise for cutting shaped paper correctly, I barely wrote 500 words on my 600-word essay due yesterday; I couldn’t finish what I'd done. When I tried focusing on looks, why was it stopping me from pulling guys anymore. I couldn’t even be a model because I’m not pretty or smart enough. Because if I ever was, I would be a pity choice chosen. 

Guess your plans hadn’t worked, huh? Maybe you’re not sure, but right now, I have some amazing people, like my best friend, who gives me another reason to live and go to school. My sister to annoy every day, and who would wake my dad up when he’s late for sending me to school? 

In the end, I still feel like a little kid who isn’t so little anymore set up with this horrid world with no mercy, no instructions. I still watch my little pony, how to train your dragon, all that. Yet, I’m still called a grownup already. Trust me, you wouldn’t dare to say you wished to grow up fast to have freedom. Because in reality, it’s just a free prison.

Thanks for being someone who listens,

Love,

Isabelle.